worried at times
05.04.04 1:44 a.m.

I mentioned it in passing to Jime today. It was during the intermission and she was talking about her plans for the summer. And how she's going to D.C. and will be with Chris. And I'm happy for her.

Yet I'm jealous that it's so easily set out for her.

She didn't really respond when I said that I didn't even know what would happen after graduation. I didn't know what would happen.

Carpe diem. Yea yea. Live in the moment. And I am. But in the back of my mind I have this nagging question about the future. And I don't want to have a hot flash like I do now when I think about it.

My entire body overheats for a minute. The base of my skull feels as though it could come off of my neck at any moment. And I have this anxiety almost. I look over at her and I wonder what she isthinking about it. Yet she's there working on her paper- the last thing that needs to be done before she graduates.

And I wonder where we will be in a month. In two. I wonder what I will think of it all if it ends- if I will be like her this year. Where it's hard to forget what was.

And I hope that's not what happens. That I can just- that things will work out and it will be good. But I know that things will change. Whether or not what happens- something will change. I worry about that sometimes- I try to picture how things will be.

I know that I'm willing to make it work- that I want to make it happen. Just maybe. I don't.. maybe it's not possible though.

I don't think that everyone wants to go through something like what Misha and Francesca are right now. It seems hard. I don't know what to say about it all. And part of me tries not to think about it for the most part, as I know that it's best to just enjoy what's happening now. The smiles and looks- and seeing her as she's sleeping in the morning. It's beautiful. And I do love her.

It's just that, the thought of all of this makes me want to cry. But I know that it's easy to make me cry.

I was listening to Fool in the Rain today- and it makes me want to take her in my arms and just go. Just pack our stuff up and go somewhere far away, where we don't have to worry about senior papers or final exams or work. A place where we can just pick up- a place out in a city far off somewhere, not on the continent- and we can find jobs that give us just enough money to live and have fun.

Who needs excess? I never claimed to "want more things"- this was enough for me.