everyday
14.05.03 4:10 p.m.

I'm reading The Eye of the World. (and Conversations with Laing, but that's been on going, on and off for a while. So I'm being dismissive of it for no apparent reason other than that. And I will start to babble if I don't end this parenthesis now.)

I really just meant to say that as I was reading, I took some time out and thought for a while. Normally not something I do. Odd enough, as I like to think about things. It just seems that my thoughts were never turned so internally as they were today. I thought.. there is a love in me raging. (All right, cheap shot and untrue- the line was being sung from my computer- perhaps only Lacy will know where it comes from.) I think I am overdue for one of those heartfelt emotional crapily written entries. Ah, yes, I forget introspective. Self- introspective.

Obviously most of this has come from Laing rather than from Jordan.

My mother and I seem to hold grudges against each other- for ages almost. She reminds me of times that I can barely remember- how it was during move in week. How it was when she came to visit me with my father. Those times are but a single slide in my memory.. and she brings them up so easily. This phenomen is something that seems to haunt me. It seems as though in my attempt to live in the moment, I forget what I do- forget that my actions will leave a weight on others, if they don't on myself (at least not directly)-- and so instead I go on thinking nothing of it, still trying to enjoy this moment I'm having now. Until I'm reminded of that other moment, some time ago.

I feel as though I owe an apology to those that have tried to discuss something from the past, to mention how something was- as I am either very good at blocking things out, or just have the most godawful memory there ever was.

I find that as summer is fast approaching- despite the fact that I've been home for almost a week now, it doesn't feel "summery" as my friends are still taking exams. I'd like to spend time with more people. No, not more- but those few that really count. Am I trying to be that line- the one that goes "cool kids never have the time"? Perhaps. I always wanted to be that ever-moving person, but it was always in vain. I find that the computer holds me back a bit. And this self-sufficient room that I live in.

I find it hard to invite people into my space. Or leave my space. I know I seem awful when people come over, especially Brian. I can't remember specifics, but it just feels weird to have another person in the room. It's like.. I'd like to let them in- let them have a look around and then leave. Personal boundary of sorts that messes with my head. I think the rearrangement of furniture makes it more comfortable for other people to be in here.

Sometimes, I just want to die.