for my father
17.03.03 12:09 a.m.

Just did an entry- go look at it. This is what I need to write also. So the banners here do come in handy.. I came across this: The "If..." Project Decided to give it a try.

March's topic: If you could take back one thing you've ever told somebody, what would that be? Is there something you really wish you could go back and say to someone that you didn't at the time?

When I was six or seven- maybe even eight- I played hide and seek with my dad in the house. I didn't know he was an alcoholic until i was 12 or 13.

He was drunk that day. I told him to count and that I'd hide. I ran out of the bedroom and climbed into the hall closet next to the bathroom. It was hard to squeeze in, but I managed. I crawled under some blankets and towels and even slid the door shut a bit. I waited.. and waited.. he never came. I found him asleep -or so I presumed, although he had just passed out.

Typical childhood disappointment.

Tato, I've always wanted to tell you how your drinking makes me sad. I know I can't do anything for you now. But then, I always just wanted to give you a hug and tell you that things will be okay. I didn't care if we had to move to Georgia (which we never did) or Illinois so that you could teach. I admired you for all your accomplishments and couldn't understand why you lost your job. I didn't know that a lot of people were losing their jobs then and why they were picketing out by Johnson Park.

We passed them on our way into the park. I think we spent the day running around- doing the workout circuit along the path.

My eyes said it all- that I appreciated everything you did for me. The image of the feather flying in the air as I chased after it when I was two is still in my mind. And that was one of the happiest days I can remember.