you know how when you start an online journal.. you lose that certain right to privacy. the fact that your friends may just stumble upon it one day. or may decide to just keep reading.. you lose the right to become infuriated over that. because, you're online. welcome to the internet babe. i think it's slowly been suffocating me though. sometimes i'd like to bitch or whine or just feel bad for myself in some sort of irrational, cryptic way. but yet this is stifling. and so is my handwriting. i remember that's why i started to write cryptically. some sort of wacked out prose that it would take a mastermind to unravel. you can never see the horizon in those tangles. anyway, so read at your own discretion. my nightmares. i think i know where they come from. no, wait- that's not what i wanted to start with. i wanted to start like this: remember how i feel asexual? i know why. my definition of beauty is lost. i don't know if i should admire the stick thin models who wait to just crack under a bit of pressure. or the rugby girls that i meet that can take "the fridge" down (or would die trying at least) or the runners. those bundles of muscle that go on and on and on and.. well, you get the point. but in this, i've been examining myself more. looking at the vegetarian/vegan websites that i looked at for recipes after i first went cold turkey, over five years ago. that's the one thing that i am proud of. that i went cold turkey- which is a funny phrase for the current situation. let's rewind a little now.. i think i know where my nightmares come from. one that i left out had to do with being sent up attached to a balloon of sorts thousands of feet into the air and then to do a crash landing. well, actually- it was crash just because no other was discussed. but in the meantime i was down on the ground trying to figure out why we had set off firecrackers facing the ground in a helmet. it set a huge wall on fire. now it seems like the wall was to break the landing. big foam. wires in it crackling. it comes from an unsettled feeling i have in my gut. that the things i have now will soon be uprooted. uprooted like all the teeth i lost in last nights dream. scarily enough, it's not an irrational fear sometimes. or at least, the seed is planted there. okay. fine. so i can't really lie. we are all responsible for our own actions. so i do need to take charge. and i did in a way. but it doesn't mean that i'm not discouraged from sleep after all of it.
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