fight the instinct to pull away
19.08.02 1:27 p.m.

i need cash. i'm down to my last two bucks. credit card won't do me any good now.

somethings just can't be bought and kept on record. i want it to be a secret.

bibi's zine reminded me of a lot. how fucked things left me. i never thought or wondered if he thought what he did to me was wrong. i took the blame for it. it was my fault to sit there and take it. to just keep my eyes closed and hope that it would go away. wish and pray. but my prayers are worthless since there was no god for me.

i know when it all started- before i even knew it. the day that my brother went to go get his new car. the whole family went- and i stayed with him. and i tried to wrestly half dollars out of his hands.

but it meant nothing to me. NOfuckingTHING. and when he touched me- he knew it was wrong. he had to have known that this was not right.

my mind still insists on that. worse yet- i think i've forgotten that it happened, and then when he leans in to kiss me i try to move away unconsiously.