i'm writing a letter to myself. but i'm writing it here- because for some reason i think that being able to come back here to read it often will be more effective than just receiving it once in my actual email account. i seem to have found myself spinning. like how i used to spin in the fields in poland -w wawozie- and then we'd all fall down. (ring around the rosie echoes) the sky always kept spinning though. remember that? i remember village drive. the side of the apartment building, right by the downward stairs to the cellar of the building. the side that had the grass and then the road -village drive- next to it. we lived in 740. i almost forgot that number. i remember lying there looking up at the clouds one day. it was a nice sky that day- some clouds. those days when you can watch the clouds roll across your line of sight. it made you feel like you were spinning then too. but what happened to those days? what did i do to them? i never sit outside like that anymore. i almost wish you did. just let go for a while- take a step outside and take a breath. you know, the tree outside the neighbor's house (the one that blooms year-round, or so it seems) smells like poland. smells like the wawoz. or remember the plum tree by the pre-school? the one that i went w/magda (gasior) and we climbed the fence to get to. remember kristjan harassing me about where the plums came from. they were the green ones- the ones that turn yellow when they ripen. so delicious. so sweet. when did things get so out of control? i find myself signing things that i don't know what they are. i think i ought to just find out what they really are. and why do i need to sign these things? or what do they mean- and why are they asking me what my religion was? maybe i'd like a copy of the bills, or maybe i'd rather not see them. why do no one seem to tell me the answers to these questions anymore? maybe i just need to focus a bit more. or maybe i need to ask someone for the answers. but who asks these things? i feel so out of the loop. like everyone knows, but me. like everyone's talking about it- but me. maybe i'm just exluding myself though. i think i do that a lot. i create these situations mentally where i can't be a part of any one thing. i think it'd be easier if i could just relax. like that summer when i was in poland and i took care of iluzja (illusion). i miss her still. the first ride on her was terrifying. she bucked and galloped and twisted and turned. but we became best friends in a day or so. maybe that is my talent. i like to talk to the horses when i groom them, or ride. kipper used to hear me counting all the time. or just mumbling under my breath- saying good girl. now we turn. and now we breathe. and then we move forward. and other times i'd talk about school. or running. in her stall i used to talk to her about my summer training when i worked. i used to talk to freckles too- the massive warmblood that she is. she was such a witch. i would have loved to ride her- to train on her. her enormous hooves- to get a nice trot out of her would be gorgeous. i still fall for warmblood stallions though. maybe it's just the fact that they have so much depth in their girth and that they're so showy. that or the alpha-bitch mares. never geldings. i can't "relate" to them. sometimes i wish the fact that i'm so on the edge right now would just go away. that i could relax. that i wouldn't feel like i was slowly backing away from everything, all the time. (except maybe when i dance around madly in that prom dress.. which if you missed the link for- you should just press previous and look at it. haha. i'm so terrible. but a little less angry now).
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